


Have Yourself A Merry Screwed Up Christmas

by urnitemare



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: Buzzfeed, M/M, but its christmas themed so it's at least good, buzzfeed unsolved - Freeform, fake relationship au, yoyo it's bad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-02
Updated: 2017-12-02
Packaged: 2019-02-09 14:48:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12890199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/urnitemare/pseuds/urnitemare
Summary: it took ryan bergara exactly nine days to realize he's screwed. and only one sentence to screw up.orryan had a problem and brought shane home for christmas as his boyfriend and everyone lost it





	Have Yourself A Merry Screwed Up Christmas

it took ryan bergara exactly nine days to realize he's screwed. and only one sentence to screw up. 

the question was simple - "ryan, do you have someone  _ special _ in your life?" and every other rational human being's instinct would be to tell the truth. but ghost hunting has already taught ryan that he definitely was not a rational human being. so he decided to lie instead. it wasn't because he was ashamed of the fact that he's single - he wasn't indeed. he enjoyed being alone because then it meant he only had one person to bother him in his life, shane madej. and sometimes shane did it so well that he thought letting someone else in his life would only cause more problems. however, ryan didn't realize that he doesn't have to only deal with problems other people make - he can surely make his own too. 

the way his mother put emphasis on the word 'special' made him even more nervous. thanksgiving is always the time of the year when your relatives give you a hard time and once you get through all of this, there's at least food as a reward. 

"well," he started, trying to find the right answer in the process. "i do, actually."

the second these words came out of his mouth, he could hear nonexistent sirens alarming this enormous mistake he had just made.

he swore he could see his mom's face light up after this brand new information. the truth was that he was glad to see her happy. she used to live in constant disappointment because previously he always answered this question negatively. 

"who is it?" she asks.

_ if i only knew _ , he thought to himself. "it's someone you know but it's... it's new so i don't want to make it serious."

"well, if that mysterious significant other can come by sometimes, i would love to meet them."

"yeah, sure."

 

and there he was. sitting in front of his unedited footage for  _ unsolved _ , staring at the message he has just received. 

he hoped this little fuck up of his would vanish in the christmas rush all around. in fact, he hoped so much that he even forgot about it himself.

but all in all, this message and realization hit him harder than titanic hit iceberg back in 1912.

his mom was asking him to bring his love interest for christmas. at this moment, mariah's  _ all i want for christmas is you _ became irrelevant and all he wanted was to be another  _ grinch _ and steal christmas. he would do anything to get rid of these terrible holidays. 

"what's the matter?" he heard a fairly familiar voice that brought him back to reality. 

"nothing," he said, trying to inconspicuously hide his phone. ryan looked up to see his colleague standing next to him with a cup of coffee in his hand.

"you look as if you had those  _ wind hallucinations _ again. did something spooky happen?" 

" _ wind hallucinations _ ?" ryan repeated after him. "is this how you call it now?"

no matter how much he tried, he didn't get shane's skeptic stubborn soul to say ‘seeing ghosts’ so shane started constantly coming up with different synonyms for it just so he could avoid actually saying these two words out loud in one sentence.

"yeah," shane agreed, sitting down next to him. "i decided it was time for a change."

ryan tried to simply eye-roll and move on but he couldn't help and smiled. he had to admit that shane was incredibly annoying but with time he learnt to get on with him and once they got closer, he started to actually like all the things that bothered him about shane before. and this is how shane upgraded from "irritating intern" to "best friend" within just a year.

meanwhile they just sat in comfortable silence. ryan was hopelessly staring at his computer screen that still reminded him that he was late with editing. shane, on the other hand, was only staring at ryan. 

“so,” he sighed. “are you gonna tell me what is happening or not?” 

ryan looked at him, then at his computer screen, then back at shane. he quickly considered whether he should tell shane and bother him with his own problems or just make something up. his brain obviously gave him a big stop sign, but the words somehow found their way to his mouth faster than he could stop himself. 

“i fucked up shane. i fucked up big time.” 

shane raised his eyebrows, evidently caught by a surprise. ryan expected him to judge. even though shane himself was more of a  _ don’t do it/does it _ type of person, judging from his own experience he knew that when ryan bergara, the biggest perfectionist he has ever known, has a problem, then it’s truly a colossal one. 

“okay,” he said, looking as a 16 years old girl ready to hear the latest gossips. “spill the tea, bergara.” 

ryan took a deep breath and started, “i kind of told my whole family i’m dating someone and now they expect me to bring this year’s christmas my soulmate or whatever.” 

shane knows he shouldn’t laugh and he tries not to, but from what he expected, this was definitely not any of the options. 

“you’re single, ryan,” he stated with a stoic expression on his face.

“no shit, sherlock.” 

he smiles and then said: “this is the part where you ask me to pretend to be your boyfriend for a week, right?” 

ryan was so shocked by what shane just said. he didn’t think about this as an option and he didn’t know what was crazier - that this was the first thing shane thought of or that he didn’t think about this option first. 

“are you fucking serious?” is all he could get out of himself. 

“absolutely,” shane said. “anyways, i’m not really feeling on flying to chicago, i think thanksgiving gave me enough family time for the rest of the year.” 

 

and this is how ryan’s twisted problem got even more twisted solution. it took him a whole day of coming up with the most unrealistic scenarios in his head until he finally decided to agree with it. 

was it stupid? yes. was it insane? of course. was it gonna end well? definitely not. but what is harder - disappointing the woman who raised him or making up a little white lie in order to make her happy in this _ most wonderful time of the year _ ?

however, the main difficulty still remained the fact that when he confirmed his non-existent relationship, he knew his mom started imagining some beautiful girl or at least someone who is definitely not the one and only shane madej. how was he gonna explain it? she saw all the unsolved videos. she knew most of them by heart. and now she’s gonna have to acknowledge that the person who was here to regularly piss off both ryan and ghosts, is her oldest son’s boyfriend. he was one hundred percent certain this is not gonna end well. 

 

it was december and christmas was literally all around. he was supposed to go with a flow - look for gifts, listen to christmas carols and watch christmas movies. but all he did instead was spending more time with his co-worker so they could make up the backstory of their relationship. it didn’t go well at first. they argued about everything and they had a hard time trying to come up with stories that they agreed on. 

“can’t we just go there and like… let things be?” said shane one night while binge watching another netflix show. “we know each other well, i can think of stuff spontaneously. you know, i can improvise.”

“shane,  _ no _ ,” ryan cut him off. “you would only make it worse. as we agreed - we will break up in late january due to work but we will remain friends. they need to believe us and most importantly, they need to like you.”

“i’m very likeable. i’ve got no problem with that.”

“oh no, no, no, no,” ryan shook his head. “you’re not  _ that _ likeable to my family.”

“really? try me. i bet all my money that your family is gonna adore me and they will beg you when we break up to come back to me.”

“really?” the younger one raised his eyebrows. 

“okay, maybe not  _ all  _ my money. what about buying popcorn for the whole month?”

ryan smirked but afterwards he offered shane to shake his hand.

“deal.”

 

that was the moment shane decided to do his best to impress ryan’s family. he didn’t really mind buying the popcorn but just in the sake of winning he honestly wanted to become boyfriend of the year.

one day he even came to work with a list of things they need to discuss and ryan didn’t know if he should be happy about shane’s sudden passion or be scared.

“i made a list,” he stated. “we need to talk about these topics, it’s important.”

now ryan was definitely more scared. “okay, start.” 

“the first thing is - when did we started dating and  _ how _ ?”

ryan had no idea but he had to admit that this was an important thing to discuss. “maybe in summer or something like that?”

“only this, ryan?” shane said. “wow, get some originality man.”

“what’s your idea then?” 

“what about - we we’re both crushing on each other and we thought the other one is not interested but once when we were in, i don’t know, the sallie house maybe, that laser show by our racist ghost scared you and i tried to calm you down and we talked and got together?” 

he finished it with dramatic tone in his voice, similar to the one he always had while reading his hot dog saga.

“shane, this sounds like a fanfiction.”

“exactly,” he smiled. 

“definitely not.”

“why? it’s genius!” 

“ _ why _ ?! oh my god, it’s bad! couldn’t we just... go on a date like normal people do?”

“no,” shane resisted. “we were two co-workers who knew each other for more than a year and then suddenly decided to start dating, that doesn’t happen normally.”

ryan sighed. “okay, but it didn’t happen while investigating. maybe you told zach and he told me and i asked you out?”

“that’s so… dry.”

“shane, we’re not in  _ love actually _ , this is normal life, let’s keep it real.”

“okay then,” he agreed finally, but ryan could still hear that shane wasn’t utterly satisfied with this compromise.

 

as days went, ryan didn’t know if it was just him but he swore that the christmas songs were getting louder and louder. he fell into another routine - wake up, eat, go to work, edit unsolved, add another chapter to “ _ ryan and shane, the couple _ ” saga, eat, edit and go home. it felt pretty natural to him, honestly. he could sit and shane would eventually ask him questions like “do we want children in future?”

ryan’s first instinct was to answer honestly but then he realized that this was not a question directed to him as ryan bergara, it was directed to him as ryan bergara, shane madej’s boyfriend. 

“i guess so, yeah,” he answered, still thinking about it. “i mean, we should. my parentd expect to have grandchildren at some point.”

shane didn’t say anything and just nodded. ryan looked at him from the corner of his eye and added: “but i’m not letting you name any of them.”

this broke shane’s cool face expression into a gentle smile.

“okay, then,” he rolled his eyes, trying to sound offended. 

but what they sometimes weren’t fully aware of was, that having these conversations casually in the office where also their colleagues work, can spread gossips. in fact, they had no idea that people started to speculate why suddenly their two co-workers were talking about their love life on daily basis. 

 

it was friday before christmas when ryan got woken up by his ringtone. blinking so he could get used to the light, he swiped to accept the call. 

“what?” he simply said. 

“ryan!” was all it took him to realize that his mom is calling. “i wanted to ask if you’re coming tomorrow. we are gonna decorate so everything is ready for the big day.” 

“yeah, yeah,” he mumbled. “we’re coming.”

“ _ we _ ?” she repeats, not hiding the joy this pronoun brought her.

“yes, we’re already counting on it, is it okay that we come only a day before the christmas eve?”

“more than okay, sweetie. we all can’t wait!” she said. 

ryan swallowed. seeing his mom so excited about this made him question if she’s going to be still excited when she sees him and shane on the doorstep. 

 

on the latest  _ unsolved  _ video he quickly went through top comments to see what people thought about the evidence they got. it was the last episode of this season and he wondered if other people found  ~~ his ~~ their evidence as compelling as he did.

one of the comments said  _ “do you think they ever get mistaken for being a couple?” _ ryan smirked at this one. normally, he would just roll his eyes and skip it but just thinking that people might see them as a couple was good for him at the moment - especially when they’re going full on a  _ happy couple  _ mode in just a few days

the top reply to it was  _ “are they not a couple?”  _ and it raised ryan’s confidence pretty quickly. if there can be people watching their show all the time living with an idea that they are dating, then he can successfully persuade his mom that it was here all time long, too. she just didn’t see it. 

 

the ride was about one hour long and yet, it felt like infinity. ryan’s strategy was to turn on the radio in order to avoid speaking to shane. however, after hearing every existing christmas song, he gave up on his plan.  _ rather silence than another round of “last christmas” followed by “mistletoe” _ , he thought.

so when they fell into uncomfortable silence ryan tried to escape, it still appeared as a better possibility. 

“ryan,” shane spoke up, making ryan almost ignore another red light on the road. “do you bake gingerbread?” 

he breathed out slowly as the stress about what potentially could shane ask vanished. he had to admit, he still was afraid shane would back out. and he wouldn’t blame him; only idiots like him can spend christmas faking relationship with their best friend just to satisfy their parents. 

“yes, i think we do,” he replied.

“you  _ think _ ?” 

“well, we used to. at least when i was a child. we baked them a day before christmas. it’s not usual to do it that late but it kinda became a tradition.”

“great,” shane said. “i don’t think i could survive christmas without gingerbread.” 

“good,” ryan ended conversation about this topic. he counted exactly two minutes of another silence until shane decided to speak again.

“i initially wanted to ask about alcohol but i have a tendency to become nicer and more of a human while drinking so i don’t think it’s safe to try.” 

“what? is this what you’re like when you’re drunk? personally, i break stuff, say the truth - uhm,  _ scream  _ the truth - just like every other person i know.” 

“ryan, i think you know my actions well enough while being intoxicated,” shane said, giving ryan a bit of time to remember that one time when he got completely wasted. ryan had a higher percentage of alcohol in blood too, but he, at least, remembered everything and didn’t have a black out next morning as shane did. 

“you mean that one time when you actually appreciated my friendship and when i let you sleep at my place, you brought me a really shitty breakfast at 3 am? is this what you mean?” 

shane took a deep breath before saying a simple “yes” as an answer.

“can you imagine me getting drunk while trying to act like a nice boyfriend?” he continued. “that would be such a disaster.” 

ryan wheezed, “we would end up engaged by the end of the day or something.” 

this created smile on shane’s face and eventually led to another casual conversation, making the awkward silence completely disappear.

 

showing up at 9 am seemed like the best choice to ryan, since he had already predicted that his family would be completely woken up and ready to go all festive after lunch at most. 

he parked in front of the house he grew up in and let fresh air fill up his lungs. this was the moment they were getting ready for the whole month. 

“i love you, ryan,” he heard shane saying to himself, repeating it at least twice in a row, while taking his bags out of the car. 

“what?” he questioned, frowning.

“shut up, i’m trying to get into character, bergara,” shane cut him off. 

“in this case - i love you too, shane,” he said with a slight disgust in his voice. it felt really unnatural and he already knew this upcoming week is going to be a complete catastrophe. 

“so, what now?” shane said. he stood in front of the main door.

“i think we should go in.” 

“is someone inside?”

“no worries, they’re not gonna jump at you the moment we enter,” ryan laughed, opening the door just to see his closest family standing on the staircase, decorating it with christmas garland. 

_ fuck _ , ryan thought to himself. he definitely didn’t plan it out like this. so he and shane just stood next to each other, not knowing what to say. his parents were staring at them and what wasn’t helping - he didn’t know whether their face expressions were positive or negative. actually, their realization that his  _ significant othe _ r was shane, was the thing he worried about the most. he gave them enough time to create some unrealistic perfect expectations and now he probably let them all down. 

“we’re engaged,” shane stated, faking a smile. ryan’s first instinct was to open his mouth in shock, but he didn’t do it. ryan’s second instinct was to punch him, but he didn’t do it. ryan’s third instinct was to say _ “shut up shane” _ , but he didn’t do it. he had to stay calm. he had to fix this. he had to act like shane’s boyfriend. not like ryan bergara.

“hi,” was all he said. he waved at them, waiting for their reaction.  _ and thanks god, _ they reacted. his mom walked down the stairs to hug him tight and say that she missed him. then she checked out shane until she finally decided to hug him too. 

“shane!” she exclaimed. “we didn’t know you and ryan were… together!” she paused a bit before actually saying the last word out loud. 

“it took us a long time, too,” he answered with an awkward laugh. ryan facepalmed at this, breaking his character and showing the real side of him. he had no idea what was about to happen. he only knew it’s going to get worse.

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by some anon's headcanons posted on rycnbergara.tumblr.com


End file.
